You Know You're From Houston When...

• You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders -- and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat.
• The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
• If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or soon, an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up!)
• You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
• You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware -- and stored it in the oven.
• When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes; you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed.
• The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver.
• "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.
• You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.
• You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue-tailed norther" has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
• Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
• You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
• You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.
• You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.
• You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.
• You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.
• Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
• Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair, and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
• You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)
• You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction -- and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
• If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.
• "The Dream" is not a fantasy.
• The only real Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
• A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low, right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
• You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. Treasury has.
• You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather that they keep the title of "Smog Capital."
• You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.

The Human Race is Doomed!

Every day as I drive to and fro I am mind-boggled by the stupidity of drivers, especially here in Houston. But the stupidity does not stop and just drivers, but it extends to all facets of the human race. Here is proof that the human race is doomed with its own stupidity, these warning labels from actual consumer goods will bring it into perspective:

• On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
  (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
• On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  (the shoplifter special?)
• On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
  (and that would be???....)
• On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
  (but, it's just a suggestion.)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
  (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
  (...and you thought????...)
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
  (but wouldn't this save me time?)
• On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
• On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
  (...I'm taking this because???....)
• On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
  (as opposed to what?)
• On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
  (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
• On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
  (talk about a news flash)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
  (Step 3: say what?)
• On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
  (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
• On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
  (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Word of the Week is back!

For those of you people that have occasionally visited my site over the years, you likely know by now that I've been slacking off and not updating the majority of the site. Well one section that has been updated, however not frequently, is springing back to life in full force...the Word of the Week.

Do you aim to become a member of the literati, or do you wish to be a savant? Do you want to avoid being verbigerative and be succinct instead? We will start with A and end with Z for the next 26 weeks I will introduce you to 26 unique and difficult words you may have never even heard.

This week's letter:
A

This week's word:
abecedary

New picture of Celeste

Here's a cute picture I recently took of my beautiful daughter Celeste. Thanks to BlogSpot this post is coming directly from my cell phone to you.

Potty-Mouthed?

Do chuggers bother you when you want to rock up to a restaurant with your cockapoo to hoover a supersized ruby murray?

Confused? Then you need to refer to the new Oxford Dictionary of English to understand a host of new words that appear for the first time in its latest edition.

Check out this article in Yahoo! News.

Truly Useful Hurricane Information

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.
   

Hurricane season is an exciting time to be along the Gulf. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
2. Put these supplies into your car.
3. Drive to Idaho and remain there until Halloween.
   

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built, and
2. It is located in Idaho.
   

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Galveston, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Co., under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane all the toilets. There are several types of shutters with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Idaho.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Galveston County" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! The tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

1. 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. Big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
   

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.